'Look Homeward Angel'
by John Taylor

Why did I save him? Why didn't he kill me? What is this feeling in my gut? It's...it's hard to describe with words. It's so strong that it takes me over, pulling me forward. Forward to what? To him? No, that can't be. Destruction, pain, death -- that's all we have in common. We share a common goal, though occasionally it seems as if we'll never reach it. It's enough to know that we're trying, most of the time at least. When all seems futile, it has to be enough to know that we are indeed fighting for a purpose, a larger goal. As individuals, we don't matter, but as Gundam pilots, we can change the world.

It's hard to put aside the needs of the individual though. And when I look at him, all sorts of needs and thoughts and feelings that I don't understand crash around together inside of my mind. I can't make sense of them. I just know that they focus on him. And they have for a while now.

We're alone now, in an abandoned house. It's a temporary refuge to rest in so that we can return to battle tomorrow. My chest is tight, it's hard to breathe normally. I try to focus on cleaning my gun, reviewing mission parameters, anything but him. This is simply fear taking over. I can handle it just as I've always handled it. I will fight it, and I will win. It creeps up on me every so often, and it takes me a while to realize it and conquer it. I am alone. I have always been alone, and I will ultimately always be alone. I'm simply reaching out for something from an emotionally withdrawn fellow pilot who's probably just as fucked up as I am, probably more if how he's behaved so far is any indication. Not a good thing to do.

My gun is cleaned, the mission reviewed and plans made. There's nothing else I can do to distract myself. The fear is winning. I can feel my stomach flip flop as I look at him. I pull out my secret weapon, inwardly sticking out my tongue as I imagine the fear running away in horror. I babble at him, figuring that if I can't keep myself away from him, I can keep him away from me. He's already let me know how annoying he finds me, so I'll just exploit that weakness. He simply ignores me as he finishes his own preparations. Then he simply closes his laptop, and stares at me.

Oh good, what fresh hell is this? I'm not making him run away in annoyance. Is he hoping I'll shut up if he stares long enough? Ha! I will not. I can't stand those eyes just staring at me like that. I want to jump up, and...no, I won't allow myself to think those thoughts. I can babble more. I can be a complete blithering idiot if I have to be. It's what I do best, well, maybe second best after killing people. I perfected the annoying schmuck act when I was just a kid. People already underestimated me; I simply helped them to do it completely. Then, I exploited it to get what I needed and what the others needed. I found out that it had the added bonus of helping me to be alone when I needed to be.

He doesn't stand a chance. I up the voltage on the smile a few notches, and increase the frequency of my speech. I don't even have to focus on what I'm saying, which is good because with those (God, are they really that blue?) eyes boring into me, I couldn't concentrate on much of anything.

It's still not working. And now he's getting up, and walking over to me. Oh, I see, he's just decided to kill me to shut me up. No, he can't do that. I'm important to the mission tomorrow. Guess he'll just gag me, tie me up and throw me in a corner until morning. It'll be a bit uncomfortable, but it'll keep me away from him. I know where the exits are, and I keep myself positioned close to one just in case he has decided to kill me. I'm backing up, a bit intimidated by the look in those eyes, yet helpless to look away. He grabs me, yanks me towards him, and puts a hand over my mouth. I'm sure my eyes are bugging out of my head.

"Shut. Up."

His hand is gone, replaced with his lips. Oh gods, his lips are on my lips. I really can't breathe now. Somewhere I register surprise that his lips are so soft, and so gentle. My body is liquifying from the inside out. I want to move away, but I just can't. His arms are wrapped around me, and I can't stop mine from doing the same to him. I hear a moan, and realize that it came from me. The realization brings me somewhat back to reality. I try to push him away, to ask why, how, who, what, where, and all the other thousands of questions exploding through my brain. He keeps his hold on me though, and moves to lick and nibble around my ear. He whispers to me while he does this, the warmth of his breath sending tiny electric shocks up and down my spine.

"Stop fighting, Duo. You need me as much as I need you."

Any resistance I might've been able to muster dissolves completely, and I surrender. I'm floating, drifting with him down some unknown river of sensation and pleasure, and I never want the journey to end. Every touch releases some new feeling, and every breath leaves me craving more. Words are inadequate to describe how I feel. I simply feel with every fiber of my being.

He trails kisses down my neck while his hands undo my braid. I feel his body heat as his chest presses into mine. His hands are tangled in my hair, and my face is nuzzling his shoulder and neck. I move my head, and we stare at each other for endless moments. He draws me close again. I close my eyes as I rest my head on his chest, and trail light patterns on his back with my fingers. If this is a dream, I don't ever want to wake up. I just want to stay frozen in this moment for the rest of time, feeling warm, safe...alive. This is all that I need.